Professional tidbit I'm putting in my pocket for the future

At my hospital, the residents man the medic radios, answering questions, giving the approval for meds, declaring codes, etc. There is a script for answering the radios that's usually followed by all residents:

EMS: "Medic Doc, this is County ES, how do you receive?"

Medic Doc: "ES, we hear you loud and clear, go ahead."

EMS: "Medic Doc, we have a 65 year old female complaining of tight socks, baggy pants, and a light wallet. BP is 120/80, pulse 72, sugar stick negative, no active bleeding, GCS of 15. Permission to give a bolus of saline and 2 slaps to the side of the head?

Medic Doc: "Thank you ES, I understand you have a 65 year old female, normal vital signs and hemodynamically stable. I agree with your plan of saline and slaps, what is your ETA?

EMS: "Medic Doc, our ETA is 5 minutes, over."

Medic Doc: "Copy ES, over and out."

Wasn't that simple and clear? Very concise? Easy as pie, not hard, no hassles, and most importantly, no confusion.

Alas, this is July, when the new interns arrive, either timid and hesitant, or full of ego and bullshit. So I shouldn't have been surprised when the new resident answered the radio like this:

EMS: "Medic Doc, this is County ES, how do you receive?"

Medic Doc: "clear."

EMS: "Medic Doc, we did not register your response, please repeat."

Medic Doc: "clear."

EMS: "Medic Doc, did you reply?"

MD: "CLEAR."  (As if volume was the problem.)

EMS: "Medic Doc, we have not heard a clear response, we're going to assume you hear us. We have a 45 year old male complaining of shortness of patience, pain in his sphincter, and itchy teeth. Request to administer 50 of ...

(Interrupting) Medic Doc: "I said CLEAR."

EMS: "... and a repeat EKG if you deem it necessary, over."

MD: "......"

EMS: "Medic Doc?"

MD: "Ok."

EMS: "Um, Medic Doc, is that an ok to... everything? Did you hear us?"

MD: "I said ok, I'm on the other phone."

EMS: "Uh, Medic Doc, we need clarification, please repeat our transmission."

MD: "........"

EMS: "Medic Doc?"

MD: "......."

EMS: "Medic Doc, how do you receive?"

MD: (snottily) "I hear you, yeah."

EMS: "Can you repeat please?"

MD: "I'll see you in 10."

EMS: "Medic Doc, we're pulling up right now."

MD: "See you in 10."

During this whole conversation, she was talking to someone else on another phone, carrying on the same type of conversation. Due to tone, I'm guessing she was the ego intern, not the timid one. Never get sick in July...

More July 1 fun

Me to the surgery Fellow: "Hey doc, I see you're the new surgery Fellow. I need you to fill out this paperwork for the patient's procedure." (hands him paperwork)

Fellow: "Uh, what do I do?"

Me: "It's just asking for your permission to give blood products, which you've already ordered, so we just need the paperwork signed."

Fellow: "Uh, am I supposed to sign it?"

Me: "Yes, every Fellow before you has. Plus you ordered the products, so..."

Fellow: "Uh, let me ask my Attending."

Me: (What the hell?! It's just a damn signature!) "Uh, we can't give the orders without your signature, so could you please sign?"

Fellow: "Give the products, but I'm waiting on signing it until I hear from the Attending."

Me: "Seriously?!"

So I stood around for an hour waiting for the Attending to come tell this person who has had 5 years of post-medical school training to sign for his own damn orders. Welcome to July.

Changing of the Guard

Two weeks ago I noticed that the patients' ICU notes were getting submitted to records later and later, finally culminating in never being in before 5pm. I was all, 'what the hell?!' since rounding starts at 7am and ends around noon. I was getting really annoyed, as I need those charts to finish my work. When I started here in December, I was done at 2pm-ish, now, the beginning of summer, I'm getting done around 6 or 7. It was really irritating.

Fast-forward to this past weekend- I realized that the ICU notes were now being done by 9am. I was *impressed*. I had to pick up my jaw from the floor. I was done around noon, basking in the sunshine, so happy for the fact that obviously the residents wanted to leave early too! Yay! That was until I looked at the calendar and realized that July 1 had passed. And then it dawned on me- the gradual increase in lateness matched the increase in apathy for being done with residency year. The sharp uptick in punctuality was due to new interns being eager to please their attendings. Oh well, that's one positive that comes from new doctors at the helm.

Post MCAT blues

So I took my test on July 2nd as expected. I had read all the chapters, done many practice problems, and completed every AAMC practice test. I felt reasonably prepared. I was getting an average of 28 on my practice tests, which was reasonable for me. My highest score was 32 (11/11/10) and my lowest, 23 (7/8/8). I have taken this test twice before, each time feeling ok, but not overtly bad about it. Until Tuesday.

Nothing had prepared me for this test. It was a beast. It was awful. It was all I could do, to not burst into tears during the PS section. I started panicking, rushing through, having all thoughts of being doctor evaporate before my eyes. It sucked. The verbal was ok- maybe even great. I started to feel a little better, thinking, okay, I always suck at PS, I'll get through the verbal and BS sections and I'll be okay. And then BS kicked my ass as well. I would have cried on the way home if it weren't for the fact that I was trying to keep a strong front on the phone with my family.

So I'm mentally trying to prepare for a 24 (7/9/8). God, it was horrible. And now I feel like all my hopes have gone out the window, that there is no chance for me to get any secondaries, much less interviews and acceptances (I already submitted my app on the 22nd.) God, this sucks. :(

July 2 is 12 days away.

Less than 2 weeks.

I just returned from a very nice but way too short family vacation where I was away from the hospital for nearly two weeks (scheduling issues, my vacation was 5 days long.) And I can't believe how much I missed it. How much I missed the patients, the problems, the conditions, the hectic-ness, etc. Guess I really am made for this.

I finally finished my app but I haven't submitted it yet. I'm still debating on adding more schools, but I doubt I will. I think I'm waiting because once I submit, there's no turning back, and what if I want to rewrite something?! I'll probably submit tomorrow anyway.

So I'm back on MCAT patrol, trying in vain for that 30. We'll see...

Keeping on track... sort of

I kept on track and finished my class on Wednesday, probably one of the few promises I kept to myself lately. I worked on my app over the weekend, but I had so much work to do at the hospital, that I didn't get even a tenth of it finished. Needless to say, it's still sitting there, mocking my psyche, awaiting finishing. Not that it matters at this point, seeing as I'm still waiting for three more LORs and a transcript, and haven't even picked out all my schools, but it would be nice to get it off my mind.

And speaking of getting stuff off my mind, I am so tired of studying for the mcat. I just want this to be over. I don't want to be so mentally over this test that I forgo even trying to get a decent score, so I'm in a quandary of how to study without wanting to 100% ignore it and just watch reruns of ER. I don't hate this test, I don't hate any standardized tests, and I don't hate studying, it's just that I'm *done* with this test. Since I'll be taking a family vacation from Friday to Tuesday, I'm working the beginning of the week instead of the end like I normally do (here goes not having a day off in about 10 days) and then back to the grind of mcat until July 2. I don't even know what day I would have to reschedule my test, that's how positive I am I will be taking it this time.

I haven't done a thing to prepare to for grad school, except sorta think about the drive down there and which day will be my last one at work. Oh and I haven't yet told one job I'm leaving, which I feel really weird about- most people give their boss 2 weeks notice, here I am feeling bad about not giving 2 months notice. I have to dig up my shot records, get a physical, tune up my car, etc., etc., etc. Ugh, way too much to do, so I don't want to do any of it.

But to move forward on a bright note, I will be studying gen chem all day, physics tomorrow, bio on Wednesday (all day, since I don't work... I think), and fitting in finishing my app, plus a little verbal and ochem. Did I bring this on myself? Oh yes I did, and now I'm cleaning up the mess.

Nerves have moved back in and are settling in nicely

I'm nervous now. I get really worked up during the application cycle and everything worries me. Did I do enough to raise my GPA? Do I have enough extra-curriculars? Are my letters adequate? Is my personal statement stupid? Are my experiences unique or ridiculous? Will I get any interviews? Will I finally get an offer?

I compare myself way too much to other people who are applying- I'm stupider than that guy, I'm smarter than girl, but less experienced, that poor guy didn't get in and my GPA is worse, her MCAT score is one point higher and she didn't get in, etc. I hate it. I turn into a quivering mass of nerves, self-doubt, and mental tears.

I'm trying to study for the MCAT (24 days away!) and I panic at what I don't know. When a mentor picks apart my personal statement, I think I'm a moron. When I discuss my app with another mentor, I feel like an idiot for even thinking I'd get a spot. And it's not that I lack self- confidence, its just that I'm truly worse than nearly every other app out there- I have a shitty GPA and a mediocre MCAT score. I don't have a whole lot that separates me from the chaff. I go through highs of feeling like I have a chance, and then crushing lows where I cry that I'll never be a doctor.

I'm planning on being finished with my last college class on Wednesday and my app finished (and submitted) by Sunday. That will free me up mentally for nothin' but MCAT. Hopefully my last LORs and transcripts have arrived by next week, and then it'll be in the hands of the transcript examiners.

Of course not, that could be unhealthy!

We had a patient who was admitted for a PEA, secondary to a heroin overdose. After being intubated, delirious, and on a wide variety of life-saving medications for more than a week, he regained lucidity. It was at this point that he refused to take a well known drug being tested for off-label use because he didn't know what he was taking, and he "didn't take harmful stuff".

Attics are dangerous!

Medical problems seem to come in groups into our ER. One week we had a slew of heart attacks, the next, a bunch of necrotizing soft tissue infections. This week, I guess tis the season, as the most recent slew of problems have been people falling through the floorboards in their attics.

Three, count 'em, three people who were spring cleaning their attics fell more than 10 feet onto their second floor. (Man, I wish I had a gif of Clark Griswold doing that in Christmas Vacation.) This sounds like something that would be hilarious in a movie, with a foot sticking through the floorboards, the guy eventually crashing down with boards falling down too, only to have the actor cough a little, dust himself, and get up, amazed at what happened. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way at all for any of these people. They suffered head injuries, loss of consciousness, collapsed lungs, internal bleeding, broken ankles, broken legs, dislocated shoulders, and even a finger amputation.

Attics- the new danger of the suburb.

LORs, PS, CV, and other acronyms & abbreviations

I'm writing my personal statement right now for my app, and I think it's pretty much done. It's not *done* done, but maybe 95% done. It won't be enter-it-into-the-application-done until all the people I admire eviscerate it and hand it back. I'm always so nervous about having mentors, peers, bosses, anyone I look up to, read my statement. I suppose its because I wrote it from the heart, thinking it sounds great, spilling some personal details about myself, only to be told it sucks and Augh, why would you think that drivel was any good at all! (well, not really, I've never been told it sucks, but I have been told one sounded way too much like a Grey's Anatomy episode. Ouch. Can I help it if I was a creative writer in a previous life?!)

So I'm waiting to hear back from at least four people right now before I'll say it's done. In the meantime, I'm working on my 15 experiences. There's two new ones since my last app, but they're so similar that I think it'd be best to combine them into one experience and use that as one of my "meaningful" experiences (damn, like I'm losing my application virginity or something.)

Open letter to the writers of recommendation letters

Hello out there to the professors, doctors, teachers, bosses, mentors, supervisors, counselors, and advisors. If you are in the position of writing a letter of recommendation for someone, whether it be for medical school, college, graduate school, law school, dental school (what? as if!), vet school, or any other institution of higher learning, this note's for you.

There are some requests, humble requests if you will, that will make this arduous process a little better for everyone involved.

1) Please respond to our request for a letter.

Let me boost your ego a bit- you are a very special someone. There is a candidate out there who feels that your impression of them is awesome. They admire you, they feel you know them relatively well, and they must feel you're an articulate person. They love you. They need you. They WANT you. What do they want from you? To friggin' respond to their request! If you've been approached by someone asking you to write a letter for them, answer the email! Or the text, voicemail, smoke signal, whatever. Holy cow, if you hate Bob because he ate onion and garlic bagels every morning during speech class, and there's no way on God's green earth you would ever recommend him to law school, then send Bob an email letting him know you're too busy. Or that you're washing your hair. Or that you hate him for stinking up your damn classroom everyday, whatever, just respond to the email. Don't get on your mental high horse and look down your nose at the pitiful peasant begging for scraps of praise, mentally laughing about how you make him email you over and over again because you're in a position of power. I'll bet my last bagel that Bob knows you're busy- you don't need to remind him that you're an asshole too. It takes 10 seconds to respond. Here, let me help you with some templates:

"My apologies, I'm too busy right now, but I wish you all the best in grad school!"

"I'd love to, please send me your CV, personal statement, and anything you'd like me to address, along with your deadline."

2) Please write us an original letter. Please.

I know there are those candidates out there who asked for a recommendation from their bus driver because they were going for quantity over quality, but for the most part, people put a lot of thought into whom they approach for a letter. They incessantly wonder if the letter writer knows them well enough, would praise them enough, likes them enough, anything that would hint that they are able to telling a school that they are a good candidate. Those letters are important- they are supposed to describe us as potential students, doctors, lawyers, dentists (seriously, why?!), veterinarians, etc. So when you write the same letter for Bart as you do Lisa, the letter is totally worthless, and we become worthless to the school. The purpose of your letter, the time and effort that went into us tracking you down and bugging you for a reply all becomes for naught, and highly evident we should have asked someone else.

3) Please send the letter on time.

You are an awesome person- you said yes to the request and your student is beaming with pride that their professor thinks highly enough of them that they are getting a letter from their mentor! They mentally check off that letter, smile, and sit back and wait. And wait. Unfortunately, maybe they need to enter your name into a clearinghouse application and associate it with a number of potential schools. Maybe all other letters have been received besides yours, but they can't submit their app to the schools yet until yours arrives. Maybe their application just sits there forever, lying in wait like a virgin waiting for her husband, to where eventually that application becomes an old spinster with 30 cats. So for all that is holy, please, PLEASE send the letter on time.

Thank you for considering these requests. And continue to be proud that you influenced someone enough that they want YOUR recommendation. Keep up the good work, and keep on writing those letters.

40 days deja vu

I have 40 days until my test (gee, I think I've written this before...) Anyway, it's all systems normal over here- me stressing out about the MCAT, refusing to study (for even my college class), allowing more and more responsibilities to pile up until I start to falter under their weight, etc. I'm trying to take baby steps, to do a little each day to get my ball rolling, but even that has fallen short- I've started doing more things around the house, not stuff for school. In the past few days I've done all the laundry, the dishes, and the neat-ening up that I can. I'm here at work, ready and able to study, but oh so NOT willing. Hence the blogging.

My test is on July 2, I leave on a road trip for grad school on Aug 3, and I start school on the 20th. I have no more time to procrastinate.

I'm sick of working!

ARGH! I am working *again* this evening! I thought I had a whole weekend off- I had planned on basking in the spring weather, drinking a beer (or five), having some decent food that didn't come from a dingy fluorescent-lit cafeteria, maybe do a little yard work, etc. But NO! I'm here, again, at the hospital. I really shouldn't complain, as we really need the money, but I also really need a break. I'm tired and I miss my family.

Besides being tired, I've also developed the inability to concentrate and focus. I feel like my brain is moving at 100 mph and I can barely keep up with it. I rush to the end of sentences that I read, as if I'm in a race to get to the end. I don't comprehend anything, I can't remember what I read, and I rush through the material as if I'm being chased by a hungry lion. I can't sit still half the time- I tap my toes, shake my foot, or constantly play with my hair. I get esophageal spasms in the middle of the night, anxiety attacks while driving, and dizziness at least once a day. I've never really had these things before and it's pretty unsettling, not to mention highly contradictory to retaining important information. My best friend recommended going to my doctor to see if there's anything I can do about it all. He took some anti-anxiety meds for a few days when he was overwhelmed at work. I've never taken any kind of "mental" meds before and I'm extremely leery of doing so. Any thoughts out there?

I'm such a wuss

I changed the date again.

I feel your raised eyebrow and tsk-tsking head shaking. Don't judge me! I already know I'm a weakling who can't seem to stop working 60 hour weeks and fit in studying! In the month of April I probably worked about 250 hours. It was *insane*. I went for a few days at a time without seeing my son, I passed by my husband as I was either getting up when he was going to sleep, or vice versa, and I didn't leave the hospital for nearly 24 hours at one point. I actually started to hate the hospital, my pager, my email, and my scrubs. When my pager went off last weekend at midnight after already working a 14 hour day, I felt severe hatred towards my beeper tone- I figured that's what hell sounded like. To cap off the month from hell, I will end up working for 48 hours starting in 7 hours. When did I go crazy?!

And I'm not even a med student, much less a resident. I can't imagine how I will feel once I reach my intern year.

Ugh, I feel like a failure sometimes because I can't clear this hurdle. Anyone else out there able to commiserate?

32 days left

Have 5 days really passed since I last posted? The stress is starting to get to me...

I've discovered that the more stressed I get, the more intolerant I get of self-absorbed behavior. I am a pretty laid-back person, completely 'water-off-a-duck's-back' type of person, a "meh" attitude if you will. But lately... I am just so frustrated and irritated by selfish behavior. For example, I park my car on the street in an urban housing area near a hospital; in other words, lots of people coming and going, many of whom probably don't live in the area, that they are visiting someone in the hospital. Maybe they bring their dog. Maybe they let said dog poo on the grass between the street and sidewalk. Maybe they are so upset with whatever they are dealing with at the hospital that they truly forget to pick up said poo, allowing passersby to step in it and smear it on their car carpet and pedals. TWICE within two weeks.

Annoyance Level: Orange

Continuing example: So I'm driving home (smelling dog shit the whole way) in the left-hand slow lane (the 2nd lane on a four-lane freeway) with no one in front or back of me. And as I approached passing a car in the furthest right lane, they put on their blinker and pull right in front of me.

Why???

They were going at least 5 mph slower than me, weren't passing any cars or obstacles, and could have easily waited until I passed. The only reason I could surmise in my head was that they simply wanted to move over. And did so without thought of fellow drivers.

Annoyance Level: Red

Continuing example that put me over the edge: By now I'm just about home and slowly cruising down my road when I see someone walking their dog on the side of the road. Without a leash. So I slow down more, keeping my eye on the dog, who in turn decides that my car is a threat that must be attacked. As I swerve to avoid hitting a leashless dog that is barking and running towards my tires, its owner just keeps walking along, watching it. At this point I wonder what she would do if I too just kept watching it... get run over. Now that I have come to a full stop, I give her an icy glare, which she returns, telling me to avoid her dog. Seriously?! Omg, I actually think steam came out my ears.

Annoyance Level: Exploded Thermometer

I just have zero tolerance anymore for selfish behavior. I see it all day, every day in the hospital- the diabetic who refuses to stop eating crap in spite of his kids only being pre-teens, the alcoholic who won't stop drinking, so her husband left, the drug addict with a new heart valve paid by the taxpayers, readmitted with endocarditis from continued IV drug use, etc. If people could just stop being self-absorbed assholes, that'd be great.

37 days left

I dreamt about oranges last night. According to a bunch of online dream dictionaries, its a sign of good health, fertility, or the oppressing inconvenience of going out of my way to achieve something. I wonder which it could be???

38 days left

I'm using the muli-pronged approach to sucking up as much info as I can- I'm using TBR, EK, and TPR for content and practice. I'm reading EK and TBR chapters for review, and then doing as many problems from TBR as I can without going cross-eyed. Speaking of which, last night I reached the point where I couldn't care less anymore about this test. I was sick of questions, tired of reading between the lines, fed up with examining every detail with a critical eye- its as if I were on a blind date. So I slammed the books shut, stormed off to my bed and promptly began to panic about having only 38 days left.

39 days left

Ugh, I scored an average of 9 on one chapter of gen chem.

Off to do organic.

40 days left

Happy Easter everyone! When my niece came from church we asked her what she learned- she said, "That he's coming for me." Ah, easter- the second zombie holiday of the year.

I got through 1 chapter of chemistry yesterday, after working, preparing for Easter, and doing household chores. I had to unexpectedly work today too, so I'm hoping to get through another chapter, plus the relevant questions.

I'm hoping this blog keeps me on track for studying, and I'll post my scores as I do practice problems and tests.

41 days of studying left

I started studying again yesterday. And I'm having as much trouble concentrating as I thought I would. In fact, I'm procrastinating from studying right now as I blog this. Who'd have thunk it, hmm?

I'm whining today. I have to go into work again, on what's supposed to be my day off. I'm still working a ton- in fact, I've never worked this hard to feel so freaking broke since I was in college when I worked full-time in fast food. I'm working on average about 50-55 hours a week, and still making about 2/3rds of what I used to make. The hubby is still batting a zero in the job prospect department and the weather is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S today, making concentrating all that much harder. Whine whine whine. Ok, enough of that.

41 days left. Panic is settling in.

Proof professors don't pay attention

Me as I'm handing in my final: "Have a nice retirement, Prof!"

Prof without looking up from his computer: "You too!"

MCAT. Study. Rinse. Repeat.

Classes are winding down, the quarter is wrapping up, things are settling down, and its time to start gearing up. (Was that enough ups and downs?) I decided to only take one class next quarter, a fun class in my opinion- astronomy. (At least I think it was astronomy. I hope it isn't astrology. But that may be better...) I'm getting my two jobs' schedules finalized and I'll know exactly how much time I'll have each week for studying, so it's time to start all that crap up again.

Bleh. I'm not looking forward to this. I'm really good at starting studying, but horrible at following through. But this will be...My. Last. Time. Studying. For. The. MCAT. EVAH. The test is scheduled for May 11th and that will be the third and final time I will ever take this stupid test. I have one full week of classes left, finals in two weeks, and then after that I will take one or two days to rest and mentally prepare. I think a lot of tv and beer may be in order.

First day of the last MCAT prep period: March 22.

I'm such an 8-year old sometimes

Image shown out of order during a lecture:

Lecturer: "Oh, sorry, that's coming."

I didn't stop snickering for about 10 minutes.

Douchebag residents living the stereotype

I would have to say that 98% of the residents, fellows, doctors, nurses, aides, volunteers, janitors, and cafe baristas that I work with are awesome (well, maybe not *that* nurse over there- she's a total bitch and needs an attitude adjustment). The plastics residents are not money-hungry, ortho docs are not meatheads, trauma surgeons are not adrenaline junkies, and nurses are not sex-hungry sirens fishing for a sugar-doc. So in an almost disappointing way, none of the medical personnel lived up to their hyped stereotype.

Except anesthesiologists.

I have worked with about 7 different anesthesiologists, and at least 2 of them were complete and utter douchebags. Why is that? How is it that out of about 100 medical workers, the only 2 negative encounters I've had were both with anesthesiologists (granted, these were residents- all the attendings or fellows were awesome).

The first time I was introduced to shitty behavior was when I was acting as a go-between from the blood bank to the anesthesiologist- I would grab the blood and literally just pass it to the anesthesiologist. After doing this for about 4 hours with the attending, I was pretty sure I had the routine down. "You need two RBCs? Roger that! :::rummage in fridge, hand paperwork to lab tech::: Here you go!" So when the attending took a break and his resident popped in, I was feeling pretty confident that I knew what I was doing, and that the resident would understand my role of robotic vending machine (my hospital has very large ID badges that scream our title, like TRAUMA DOCTOR, or REGISTERED NURSE, or in my case, PISSANT). Needless to say, that didn't stop (or maybe even it encouraged?) this douchebag from treating me like gum on his shoe. I got yelled at for not doing stuff I'm legally not allowed to do. Now I don't know about you, but I'd rather keep my future than get fired just because you have a Napoleon complex and want me to be your paperwork slave.

The second time at least wasn't aimed at me, but at the resident surgeon during rounds when she was presenting a case. Maybe it was a brain embolism, or a suppressed fart or something, but the resident anesthesiologist (a different one from before) decided it was the perfect time to grill and drill her on her chosen method of treatment, in-spite of the fact that the director of her department was also joining on rounds. He was berating her about her decisions, saying she didn't take *this* into account, nor did she consider *that*, etc. It was all very uncomfortable for everyone, except the anesthesiologist, I'm sure. That is until the director stepped in and started answered his questions instead.

Every now and then I would catch a small wry smile from the surgery resident and I'll bet I know what she was thinking.

Accepted to a Master's Program!

Holy shit, I was accepted to my first choice SMP! OMG!!

I told everyone I knew- my hubby, my son, my parents, my siblings, my teachers, my bus driver (who seemed incredibly uninterested in my news), even my dentist. I was smiling ear-to-ear. I had a place to go in the fall! I had plans! I had been validated as a potential med student- all my hard work was starting to pay the fuck off!

Then I started receiving all the stuff I needed to do: matriculation agreement, $1000 deposit, dates of orientation, health insurance to apply for, financial aid to fill out, do I want student housing?, set up your new email, etc,

My excitement has been completely tempered. It has abated. It has practically stopped and turned into apathy. It has been four days since finding out I am a bona fide graduate student and I'm no longer excited, I'm exhausted by all the freaking paperwork.

But holy cow, I need to apply for financial aid, something I haven't done since 1998. I fired up the ole trusty FAFSA site and was smacked in the face with this:

 

 

Am I fucking reading that right?! Only $20k for graduate school?! How do people pay for med school? Where do I go to get more money? My best friend suggested dancing, but the club already has its three ugly ones. Help!

 

When it rains, it pours

Ever hear that old adage about being single vs. in a relationship- that when you're unavailable everybody wants a piece of you, but when you're single you're invisible? Yeah, that's playing out in spades in our household. Only it's not for a relationship, but for a job. The unemployed hubby can't find any jobs, and me with two part-time jobs am literally turning down offers and interviews. I got called last week for two jobs, both of which would be awesome if I didn't have a family, or the need to sleep, or other plans- you know, like getting into med school. I wish my hubby could study for me and then download the info into my brain while I'm working three jobs. Yep, life would be good.

MCAT date pushed back again

Thanks to this new job, I have even less time to study, so my new date will be in May. Plus I realized that I will be taking the test for the second time on the same date I took it previously. I'm too superstitious to let that happen.

Another job!

Yep, I must be crazy, because I have taken on second part-time job. I just couldn't turn down another opportunity to work in clinical research with patients, plus I'm back to having cushy benefits. The downside is that I will be gone A LOT. Junior actually cried a little last night when I told him, which made me very sad. I know this is good for our family, because we have benefits again, plus more money. (Money has been very tight, to the point of not paying some bills each month, something we are definitely not used to.)

I am away from my family from 8:30am to 8pm four days a week, home most of the day on Fridays, and gone just about all of the 48 hours on the weekend. I told him what's important about the time we spend together is quality, not quantity, so we will make the most of the time we have together. I likened it to being a military parent, something I grew up with.

I know he will be fine; in fact this morning, he was ambivalent about me being gone. We'll skype with each other and talk on the phone quite a bit- both jobs have ample time to spend socializing with my family. I figure this is just a warming-up period for med school- I'm taking 18 credits, working 30 hours a week, still studying for the MCAT, and spending time with my family.

On the application front, I am STILL waiting for one more letter of recommendation and then my app will be complete (I'm going on three weeks of waiting, pleading, cajoling, begging, etc.)

Hazards of a common name

My name is relatively common for my age, meaning that lots of parents loved the same name around the same time, therefore they all named their kid the same name (like how in 20 years there will be colleges chock-full of Emmas, Isabellas, Ethans, and Jacksons). At one point in high school I was friends with two other girls named Jane, and I'm sure there were more of us in other cliques. Now combine that with the fact that I have no idea who half the residents, interns, fellows, attendings, nurses, or even volunteers are at my hospital, and you've got an embarrassment waiting to happen.

Apparently I have the same first name as the chief surgical resident. Who knew? Not me, that's for sure, otherwise I would have kept my fool mouth shut and my dignity intact, instead of answering for her during a critical point in a serious surgical case. In my defense, I figured everyone called doctors, 'Doctor' instead of "Jane". So when the scrub nurse yelled out to "Jane" asking if an emergency protocol was to be enacted, I idiotically loudly responded, "I have no idea!" After the room silenced and all eyes fixated on me, I realized that the woman standing way over there next to the patient was the intended receipient. Yeah, that made WAY more sense.

Man, I'm an idiot sometimes.

But, I learned my lesson, and later on when someone yelled out, "Jane, you need to check in before entering the OR!" I stayed silent and kept on walking. After all, Jane was the chief resident, not lowly ole me. That was until the nurse literally grabbed my arm and forcefully pulled me back out, chastizing me for ignoring her.

Can people please call doctors by their last names at least?!

The waiting game has started...

I submitted my app to one of the SMP schools today.

I sent off for all my transcripts, mailed in my mcat scores, and am awaiting my LORs from my profs and bosses. I have about a week or two before all items will be received by the school, and then my app will be complete. I'm nervous- I hope I've done enough work to be accepted into the program. It sure would be nice to have a solid plan for the future; I feel like I'm living in limbo at the moment, waiting to see if I will be in school in the fall, or if I need to find a non-temporary job.

:::crossing my fingers and toes:::

Law of the ED

The average Joe will remain calm and stoic when their leg has been horrifically amputated in an accident, but the gang member will scream, whine, and snivel for their Mommy when they are shot in the arm.

16 and Pregnant

I confess, one of my guilty pleasures is 16 and Pregnant, and on occasion, Teen Mom. I love watching these girls attempt to balance motherhood and school simultaneously- I desperately want them to succeed and I love watching their balancing act. I love that they know this is tough, yet they persevere and keep at it (well, many of them.)

When I first started school, I was working 40 hours a week and taking one class. That was hard for me at the beginning, but became routine after a couple of classes. It helped that I had taken these classes before, since I had already graduated and was just repeating my cores for med school. I wasn't being challenged in these classes, and studying was simple. I can't imagine how it must feel for those moms doing these classes for the first time, plus having little babies- you have my utmost respect. I started this when my son was in grade school already- I couldn't imagine doing it with a baby.

I am now finding myself overwhelmed not by the material I'm learning, but by the volume of stuff I need to do (hey, it's perfect practice for med school). 18 credits, the mcat, home-life, work, etc. I look at these young girls on tv and think (seriously), "If they can do it, I can do it." Yes, I am drawing inspiration from teenagers on MTV, who'd have thunk it? (I must feel that I have to give the caveat that I understand there is a difference between doing these two things, and doing them well.)

So thank you 16 and Pregnant- if you young kids can do it, I can do it.

Punishment, thy name is 'My Schedule'

Ok, I may not be the brightest bulb in the ceiling when it comes to estimating my available time. Apparently I felt that 18 credits in majors biology was totally do-able while studying for the mcat. I may have overestimated my abilities just a smidge.

I have at least two assignments due every week for my classes, sometimes three, and usually one of those assignments is an exam. I also have to work all night each Friday and Saturday night, and let's not forget I have a family too. I think this is the point in my preparation where sleep is going to start taking a serious backseat in my list of priorities. There is no way I can accomplish everything I need to for the mcat, school, and get plenty of rest, either via sleep or zoning out in front of the tv. I'm already mourning the loss of my decent sleep during the week.

I need me some Focusyn.

Professor riders

Do you know what a rider is? It's a list of demands that famous people make on their venues, like Van Halen's no brown m&m's or Britney Spears' bunless McDonald's cheeseburgers and figs. A rider is usually normal, but people have been known to go overboard with their demands. And speaking of going overboard on demands...

It's been a few years since I took a class with this professor, and while I remember her being a bit strict with her expectations for student behavior, I think she delved into middle-school territory since I saw her last. Her rider of do-nots is extremely long- while some are wholly expected (don't talk in class), the rest fall into Mother-Hen-controlling-her-young insanity. We are locked out if we're late. We have to bring the printed calendar, syllabus, and notes everyday. Don't use *this* notebook, use *that* one. No emailing assignments. No missing exams, even if you're sick. No gum. No food. No drink. No computers. No cell phones. No recording devices. No pictures (she actually said no cameras, apparently completely showing her age or naivete). And the list goes on. Her class was the first one I took when I returned to school way back when, so maybe it was the mix of fear and apprehension, but her behavior didn't bug me then. It does now. Holy cow, it's annoying.  I'm half-expecting to be talked to in a very low voice at eye level about how "we don't do that, do we?", complete with being told to stand in the corner and think about what I've done. I treat my son as more of an adult than she does to us.

Ok, enough bitching, back to studying.

Lack of sleep

I remember when I was around 25 years old, I switched from working the typical 8-hour day shift to doing 4-10s overnight. I worked the night shift my entire college career and I hoped the overnight shift would be just as welcome. I wasn't disappointed- it meshed very well with my personality. I loved the darkness, silence, and enveloping quiet associated with working the odd shift, never having to deal with lots of co-workers or annoying morning people. I never had to deal with traffic jams, expensive parking, or office mayhem. The only issue was that my choice of dinner options was extremely limited- my co-workers and I would frequently hit up McDonald's at 2am (which, if I were to try that now, I'd gain 10 pounds in 10 minutes, along with a severe case of nausea and diarrhea.)

During that year I worked against my circadian rhythm, I don't remember being excessively tired during my shifts, although I certainly never had a lack of things to do. In my current position I could go an entire 12-hour shift and not have anything to do besides study; therefore, I find myself fighting to stay awake some days. And some days it's a serious struggle.

I was worried I was getting too old, too weak, too feeble to work overnight anymore, or that spending hours studying was now incompatible with my nature. (Cue somber, sad music.) That was until I realized that during the 48 hours on the weekend, I usually sleep only about four hours. Four freaking hours in 2 days? No wonder my body is fighting me tooth and nail to fall asleep.

Jan 2

I swear that the Murphy's Law gods just returned from vacation to herald the restart of my studying schedule- my days have become packed. For instance, just today, my family is leaving (sniff sniff), I have an unemployment appointment, a meeting at work, my son returns to school, and I have class tonight. I am determined to do my damnest to get each item on my list done.

Today's agenda:

1. review previous days' verbal
2. 2 verbal passages
3. review previous gen chem passages
4. reading TBR ochem ch 7
5. 1st third questions

New Year's Resolutions

I love making New Year's Resolutions. I think it's because of the immensity of the clean slate I get to start with- a new week is a clean slate, as is a new month, but a new year is the biggest slate. So to start off a new year, I changed to a new font, and I've jotted down a few resolutions that I will do my best to complete.

• Put on face cream each night (I'm getting wrinkles I can do without.)
• Work out four days a week (shouldn't be much of an issue if I get over being lazy.)
• Take third Spanish class and learn how to converse (I can barely say a full sentence.)
• Get ≥33 on the MCAT

I think all of these are incredibly do-able, especially the MCAT score. If I took it in January I would score 27 to 30, so increasing one point in each section in the next three months is definitely accomplishable.

Besides creating a list for things I can do, here is my wish list for 2013:

• My man lands a job ASAP (the sooner, the better. Please God.)
• Get accepted to both a SMP and medical school
• Get a 35 on the MCAT

And on that note, I'm off to study.