Time to get going again

Today starts the return to the grind of studying after a nearly two week hiatus. It's difficult right now because my family is still in town for a few more days, and I feel guilty for poking my nose into a book instead of into their business. However, I have a fantastic family who is incredibly understanding, so any hesitation is solely on my end.

Today's agenda:

• 2 verbal passages
• reading TBR physics ch 10
• 1st third questions

Now let's see if the drunks, gang-bangers, idiots, assholes, and other trauma-prone people can stay safe tonight and let me stay home to ring in the New Year with a kiss from my boys.

Prep work complete

I adjusted my google calendar for the new test date. Perhaps more technologically savvy people would have known how to adjust a google calendar file, but I had to move all 96 days' agendas individually to a new calendar setup. As a nerd, I love schedules- checking things off of a list, and knowing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing on a particular day. It's my security blankie, my thumb to suck, my pacifier.

I must say, I think it is *highly* appropriate that New Year's Eve is Day 1 of studying. I'm on call tomorrow night, so we'll see if I get extra time to study overnight. No boozing it up for me, just sparkling cider, silly paper hats we make with the kids, and hopefully getting a chance to yell Happy New Year with my family.

13+ weeks to go

Today is the 29th, and the test is on April 4th- that's about 13.5 weeks from now. (The date is better than January for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I won't be taking a major test that determines my future in the middle of a packed quarter.) I'm debating whether to start the schedule I follow from the beginning again, or to continue where I left off. I'm actually leaning towards doing it backwards, starting at the end, and ending at the beginning. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would be the best use of my time. I will start again in earnest next week, around the 3rd, but I'll do some tomorrow night, just to get back into the groove.

In stressed parenting news, I've been having all these weird dreams lately where my son is in trouble and I have to rescue him. One was where he was kidnapped from the airport and I couldn't find him. My family was also at the airport, but they were texting me from afar, telling me they would wait for me at a restaurant- in other words, no one was helping me. That seems to be par for the course in these dreams of mine- 911 doesn't work when I call, I can't call out of my cell phone, I can't scream, etc. I don't fully remember the other two dreams, but they were very similar, where my son was in trouble and I had to help him. Each time I woke up panicky, with my heart beating fast, fearful that I lost my baby, and he was scared and alone, needing me. I wonder if it's because I've felt like I was neglecting to find a balance between what I need to do (school, work, etc) and what I need to do for him (bedtime tuck-ins, game nights, etc.) My husband actually does the lions' share of taking care of our son, but I don't feel like I'm shirking my responsibilities. Tonight while I'm at work, my son is having a sleepover with family. That's how I get through school, work, and parenting- a village is helping raise him.

I'm actually surprised the dreams aren't entailing me rescuing my husband. He's still searching for a job, getting nowhere excruciatingly slowly. We both get very excited when he finally lands an interview, only to be crushed when he isn't selected for the position. The stress of him being unemployed is getting to both of us- it feels like a stifling hot pressure that you have no hope of alleviating. It's the stress of being at the mercy of strangers, that you cannot fix the problem on your own, that there's no hope or end in sight. If anyone out there is reading this and is a praying soul, please pray for him, that he finds something soon. Our prayers have fallen on deaf ears for the past few months, and we could use a break.

School starts for all of us next week and I'm glad to return to a routine after the unstructured holiday time. I'll be taking three classes this quarter, all biology, one of which is with a teacher I've had before who is pretty cool. I'll be spending 9am to 3pm on mcat stuff, attending classes from 3:30 to 8, then home with the family. Weekends will be for work, sleeping, and spending time with the family. The incredible thing about work is that I can study while I'm there- for that I am extremely grateful.

I also am filling out SMP applications, right now to Midwestern in Arizona and Georgetown. After school has resumed I will contact the schools for transcripts (all four of them!) and get my LORs. I've gotten through the mundane in the applications, now I just need to write my essays. I am a very good writer, but I don't write very well when I'm tired, so I'll save those for another day.

Here's to tomorrow being a good day, with movies, extended family, good food, and quiet sleep. Please, let there be good news soon for my husband- he deserves it, he's a wonderful man.

New D-day: 04/04

Keeping true to my promise, I scored a 9 on the bio section on AAMC #3, so I changed my test date. When I went back and looked at my answers, I realized that I made four silly errors, so I should have had a 10- I got to stop making stupid mistakes, as I'm already on the edge of a barely acceptable score.

Changing the test date puts me back nearly 3 months, so it's going to cause issues with my SMP application. Now I need to decide if I'm going to apply now or wait until the score comes in. What would others do?

It's probably a good thing I postponed it, as I haven't done any studying because of the holidays. And I'm sure I won't get any done until after the new year- I have family in town and I'd much rather spend time with them instead of Berkeley Review. I will study this weekend while at work, but that's probably about it.

Time for SMP applications

Ugh. I hate applying to stuff. I even hate filling out those forms for a grocery store credit card- it's like when I was 12 and I'd send a cute boy a note with "I like you, do you like me? Check Yes or No." Just one day I'd like the note to come back with a Yes box checked. I've had enough rejection in my life, I hate to add to the pile.

But add I will, as I am beginning the applications to Specialized Master Programs. I have an upper and lower tier system, not unlike first and second stringers, and I certainly hope my first draft pick picks me. (Ok, enough with the sports metaphors.) I plan on applying to the second tier right after the new year, which is before I take the mcat; once scores are released in February, I will apply to the more competitive ones. I'm looking at mostly traditional programs, like Midwestern, Georgetown, Cincinnati, Robert Wood Johnson, Kirksville, etc. It doesn't matter whether its MD or DO, but (for now) I'm steering clear of relative unknowns, or starter programs, simply because I don't have time to try out a grad program. I want what's established, what works, what's been tested. I no longer have the luxury of making a mistake with a year of my life.

And speaking of the mcat, I will take my first full-length on Jan 3, or whatever day is after the day my extended family has returned home. I've decided that I'm giving myself two tests, and if I don't score at least 10 in all three sections on both, I will be postponing my exam until March. I don't want to do this again- I'll do it right this time, even if I have to wait two more months.

I spent about 5 hours yesterday studying gen chem and ochem, moving a little bit more forward. I plan on doing the same today, but with bio. (Fuck physics, that bitch can wait another day.)

The ED is like a casino

And no, I don't mean because you take your chances and roll the dice when you enter. (Or maybe you do, I don't know what the ED is like in your neck of the woods.) I mean that it's impossible to tell day from night, night from day, day from month, month from millenium, etc.

1) There are no windows. Anywhere.

Except the ambulance bay, and even that isn't as helpful as you'd think- it's essentially a huge open-ended garage, so barely any sunlight passes through it's garish concrete walls. The cherry on top is that you can't tell what the weather is doing either.

2) No clocks in patient rooms.

This is just a heaven-sent promise from the gods that no patient will ever be able to yell at you for being gone "just a minute" when in actuality 10 hours have passed.

3) Loads of bright lights, flashing gizmos, and loud sounds.

Too bad none of them promise payouts.

4) The stale smell of tobacco, alcohol, and depression.

And usually urine too.

5) People down on their luck, just hoping for a payoff- like drugs, food, or a warm bed.

We work in 12-hour shifts, so 6:00 isn't am or pm, it's just always "6 o'clock" in the ED. I forgot I was working days one time and immediately turned into a vampire when I inadvertantly walked into a sunbeam in the waiting room. I cringed, hissed, and cursed the inevitable lowering of my melatonin levels. Then I remembered I was supposed to be working during the daylight, not sleeping, so I got up and gave the old guy with the broken leg his bed back. (It's ok, he was cool about the whole thing. I gave him a sandwich.)

TPR Hyperlearning Book

Omg.

Manna from heaven.

This book has an insane amount of practice questions. There are over *400* physics questions alone. I'm actually disappointed I found this so late in the studying game. Kind of makes me want to postpone my exam just because I think this will push me at least a point higher in each category.

And that is something I am actually considering...

MCAT progress

I'm still here, still plugging away. I'm ashamed to say that I took a solid week (or two) off and just pretended like I was going to study. I couldn't muster up the strength to look at a book, much less read and (gasp) learn stuff.

So I'm cramming now. And I know it sounds weird to cram for something nearly 5 weeks away, but here I am. And I'm feeling like I can't concentrate, that anything I read falls out of a big hole in the back of my brain. I have trouble staying focused and I read the same sentence about 10 times sometimes.

To be honest, I feel like I'm at a solid 10 in each subject, perhaps 9 or 11 depending on the subject matter I would get. And that's not good enough. I want 11's. And the only way to get 11's is to learn more, study more, practice more. But I feel like there just isn't enough time. And I'm getting all panicky. Tonight I am up all night, and I've gotten through two TBR chapters' questions in about 3 hours- that includes going over the answers and learning more from those than from the material itself sometimes.

I am behind schedule, but I hope to be caught up at the beginning of the new year. I'm pushing myself harder than I have in the past few weeks, so that's something there, and I'm working up to pushing myself harder than I did for the first few weeks I was studying. I just feel like I've run out of time.



***Even though it seems out-of-place and just out of the blue, I have to express my incredible sadness at what happened in Connecticut today. I'll be honest, I cried when I heard. I don't personally know anyone affected and I don't want to imagine how searing the parents' pain is, but I do know how it feels to be a parent to an elementary-aged child, especially to one who was actually in school himself when it happened. My heart cries for those children and their families. I am so very sorry for their loss.

Actually, "organic" mechanics

Saw this on 9gag-

Will I?

That's the phrase I uttered a few times in my mind the very first time I saw a "surgery". (I say "surgery" because it was reeeeeally pushing the definition of that word- it was a melanoma excision on a shoulder.) Anyway, after the local anesthetic was administered, the scalpel was raised, and I secured an appropriate vantage point (my tippy-toes), the dermatologist turned to me and said, "You won't faint will you?"

I suddenly started mentally freaking out. Will I? I seriously had never thought about it before. What if I can't handle it? What if I get queasy? Will I faint? Will I puke? Will I answer this doctor's question before he starts snapping his fingers at me and snarking, "Hello?! McFly?!"

"Nah, I'll be okay" I said with a lot more gusto and falsetto than I intended. My voice may have quivered too, I can't remember. "Great, let's get started" the doctor replied, and turned back around to start cutting. And I started feeling my fear take over, my face flush, my heart rate increase, my palms simultaneously sweat and freeze up, and my apprehension of perhaps picking a totally incompatible profession that will tie me up for more than a decade and shove me so far down the throat of Debt that it'd just be easier to climb out the bottom, began to take over. I watched the first incision, noting the first few drops of blood appear at the edges. And...

Haha, no I'm just joking. It went totally fine. My panic immediately subsided and I looked like Lily instead of Barney. I was fascinated by the levels of skin, how to contain the bleeding, where to cut to realign the edges, and the double enclosure sutures. I fell in love. And when I saw a double above-the-knee amputation a few months later, the scrub nurse asked the same thing. I confidently said, "I'll be okay."

Damn straight. Now why don't you hand me that bovie and scoot over, Doc?