July 2 is 12 days away.

Less than 2 weeks.

I just returned from a very nice but way too short family vacation where I was away from the hospital for nearly two weeks (scheduling issues, my vacation was 5 days long.) And I can't believe how much I missed it. How much I missed the patients, the problems, the conditions, the hectic-ness, etc. Guess I really am made for this.

I finally finished my app but I haven't submitted it yet. I'm still debating on adding more schools, but I doubt I will. I think I'm waiting because once I submit, there's no turning back, and what if I want to rewrite something?! I'll probably submit tomorrow anyway.

So I'm back on MCAT patrol, trying in vain for that 30. We'll see...

Keeping on track... sort of

I kept on track and finished my class on Wednesday, probably one of the few promises I kept to myself lately. I worked on my app over the weekend, but I had so much work to do at the hospital, that I didn't get even a tenth of it finished. Needless to say, it's still sitting there, mocking my psyche, awaiting finishing. Not that it matters at this point, seeing as I'm still waiting for three more LORs and a transcript, and haven't even picked out all my schools, but it would be nice to get it off my mind.

And speaking of getting stuff off my mind, I am so tired of studying for the mcat. I just want this to be over. I don't want to be so mentally over this test that I forgo even trying to get a decent score, so I'm in a quandary of how to study without wanting to 100% ignore it and just watch reruns of ER. I don't hate this test, I don't hate any standardized tests, and I don't hate studying, it's just that I'm *done* with this test. Since I'll be taking a family vacation from Friday to Tuesday, I'm working the beginning of the week instead of the end like I normally do (here goes not having a day off in about 10 days) and then back to the grind of mcat until July 2. I don't even know what day I would have to reschedule my test, that's how positive I am I will be taking it this time.

I haven't done a thing to prepare to for grad school, except sorta think about the drive down there and which day will be my last one at work. Oh and I haven't yet told one job I'm leaving, which I feel really weird about- most people give their boss 2 weeks notice, here I am feeling bad about not giving 2 months notice. I have to dig up my shot records, get a physical, tune up my car, etc., etc., etc. Ugh, way too much to do, so I don't want to do any of it.

But to move forward on a bright note, I will be studying gen chem all day, physics tomorrow, bio on Wednesday (all day, since I don't work... I think), and fitting in finishing my app, plus a little verbal and ochem. Did I bring this on myself? Oh yes I did, and now I'm cleaning up the mess.

Nerves have moved back in and are settling in nicely

I'm nervous now. I get really worked up during the application cycle and everything worries me. Did I do enough to raise my GPA? Do I have enough extra-curriculars? Are my letters adequate? Is my personal statement stupid? Are my experiences unique or ridiculous? Will I get any interviews? Will I finally get an offer?

I compare myself way too much to other people who are applying- I'm stupider than that guy, I'm smarter than girl, but less experienced, that poor guy didn't get in and my GPA is worse, her MCAT score is one point higher and she didn't get in, etc. I hate it. I turn into a quivering mass of nerves, self-doubt, and mental tears.

I'm trying to study for the MCAT (24 days away!) and I panic at what I don't know. When a mentor picks apart my personal statement, I think I'm a moron. When I discuss my app with another mentor, I feel like an idiot for even thinking I'd get a spot. And it's not that I lack self- confidence, its just that I'm truly worse than nearly every other app out there- I have a shitty GPA and a mediocre MCAT score. I don't have a whole lot that separates me from the chaff. I go through highs of feeling like I have a chance, and then crushing lows where I cry that I'll never be a doctor.

I'm planning on being finished with my last college class on Wednesday and my app finished (and submitted) by Sunday. That will free me up mentally for nothin' but MCAT. Hopefully my last LORs and transcripts have arrived by next week, and then it'll be in the hands of the transcript examiners.

Of course not, that could be unhealthy!

We had a patient who was admitted for a PEA, secondary to a heroin overdose. After being intubated, delirious, and on a wide variety of life-saving medications for more than a week, he regained lucidity. It was at this point that he refused to take a well known drug being tested for off-label use because he didn't know what he was taking, and he "didn't take harmful stuff".

Attics are dangerous!

Medical problems seem to come in groups into our ER. One week we had a slew of heart attacks, the next, a bunch of necrotizing soft tissue infections. This week, I guess tis the season, as the most recent slew of problems have been people falling through the floorboards in their attics.

Three, count 'em, three people who were spring cleaning their attics fell more than 10 feet onto their second floor. (Man, I wish I had a gif of Clark Griswold doing that in Christmas Vacation.) This sounds like something that would be hilarious in a movie, with a foot sticking through the floorboards, the guy eventually crashing down with boards falling down too, only to have the actor cough a little, dust himself, and get up, amazed at what happened. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way at all for any of these people. They suffered head injuries, loss of consciousness, collapsed lungs, internal bleeding, broken ankles, broken legs, dislocated shoulders, and even a finger amputation.

Attics- the new danger of the suburb.

LORs, PS, CV, and other acronyms & abbreviations

I'm writing my personal statement right now for my app, and I think it's pretty much done. It's not *done* done, but maybe 95% done. It won't be enter-it-into-the-application-done until all the people I admire eviscerate it and hand it back. I'm always so nervous about having mentors, peers, bosses, anyone I look up to, read my statement. I suppose its because I wrote it from the heart, thinking it sounds great, spilling some personal details about myself, only to be told it sucks and Augh, why would you think that drivel was any good at all! (well, not really, I've never been told it sucks, but I have been told one sounded way too much like a Grey's Anatomy episode. Ouch. Can I help it if I was a creative writer in a previous life?!)

So I'm waiting to hear back from at least four people right now before I'll say it's done. In the meantime, I'm working on my 15 experiences. There's two new ones since my last app, but they're so similar that I think it'd be best to combine them into one experience and use that as one of my "meaningful" experiences (damn, like I'm losing my application virginity or something.)